Cravings

And not of the food variety; but for life. For experience.

I found myself in a bookstore today in downtown Bozeman scanning the shelves for anything, nothing in particular. Only a few things stood out amongst the masses. I'm a self declared book whore which I take to mean I collect them, regardless of age, binding, cover, if their pages hold a story in type or if they lay in wait for nonsensical thoughts to be penned down, I want it.  This entry too got its beginning as chicken scratch in a blank note book comprised of compressed trees.

I at any given time have a stack of books long awaiting their time to be turned over, exposing their own brilliance and beauty in the magnitude of secrecy, truth and adventure they hold.

So why don't I read more??

Because I crave experiences not just of reading but writing and creating something with paint or yarn, of exploring the wild through hiking and fishing. And I crave human interaction. Spending time with others, sharing laughter and tears and fits of rage through stories and rants and questions.

And finding a balance for all of this is a massive struggle which I'm searching for ways to enjoy and partake in each without overly neglecting the next.

Your suggestions are most welcome.
Much Love,
Rach

Analogies try 2 (the first wouldn't post)

I know I have mentioned in previous posts about flow. I was struck by it again last week but it wasn't my typical creative artistic flow and desire to pick up my brushes to lay out a outdoor scene. It came in two forms: first was through drawing, abstract (for me anyways) using color as a means to further extract meaning and depth of understanding that the paper was saturated with. Has your coocoo alarm sounded yet? Mine did, but I guess each has the responsibility to credit or dismiss such inspiration on their own accord. I read into it enough to gain truths about myself that were somewhat known to me and familiar, just seeing them illustrated was a little bizarre.

The second was during an early morning routine at work where I casually grab a Rubik cube and manipulate it, twisting and turning it trying to put it right again. This perplexing moment, a bitterly sour question arose in my stomach: can a Rubik's cube ever be made whole again? This question and this Rubik cube went deeper than just a child's toy, for me it began to appear as a reflection of the lives of those I work with, children, who many have been exposed to neglect and abuse.  I probed my coworker and this was our conversation:

Can a Rubik cube ever be made whole again?

B - I don't think so....a Rubik's cube is a metaphor for life... if you manhandle it enough to the point it breaks.... it will never be whole again.

And while it isn't broken, it still twists and turns and morphs and changes with the influence of those around it - but isn't whole or perfect.

B - exactly. Some people are able to get to the Rubik's secrets with ease, while others struggle... unable to ever figure it out... at times people treat the cube with such frustration that they vow never to try and solve it's problem while others swear not to until they finish the task.

I understand that some of my friends and family and other readers many think I'm delusional or in the wrong line of work for being a firm believer in Biblical truth yet being fully submerged into a world of psychology. Yes, I get it. Those two worlds don't mesh, they repel the other. But this is my position. According to Luke 5, Jesus states: “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.”

Yes, I'm not outwardly allowed to proclaim Christ, unless initiated by a client. Yes, if given the opportunity to (which has occurred) I will take it. Yes, I will gladly risk being written up and fired for proclaiming my faith in Christ. And finally, yes, I do believe that my clients are able to see the love of Christ in me and through me. There is a quote that says: people will forget the words you have said, but they will never forget they way you made them feel.

These kids need love and consistency and healthy/appropriate boundaries. And if I can find abstract ways to teach and show them these things while prayerfully offering my time and interactions with these kiddos to the Lord - then you better believe I will bust my butt for these kids.

Much Love,
Rachel

Home Sweet Home

Montana will always hold a sentimental homey feeling, regardless of where I spend my final days. (This isn't my eulogy, I swear).

Bozeman will hold the memories of hiking and laughter and many graduations. Bozeman will be where this childish girl began to grow into a woman, where dreams where dreamed and platforms to launch those dreams were created.

Missoula will always be home to the wrong school, regardless of their winning record (sorry, Dad). It will be the land of Hoagieville and cheese fries and root beer spins. Where people surf the river and hippies dance the streets. Cant forget Madison River Brewing Co.

The Flathead (Kalispell and Whitefish) will be full of regrets of not cherishing my grandparents until I was no longer a child.  It has been within the last 5 trips that I have come to appreciate and look forward to seeing Grandma and Granddad and my Gramps. And "oh my gosh" this of course includes my crazy aunts (crazy because they are chalk full of life and spunk).

Helena is land of the uncles and aunts and cousins.

I have spent the last week and a half visiting with family and friends, young and old. Reminiscing the laundry list of "remember when.." Making new memories, like sitting in Perkins playing games, getting scolded by my grandma for forgetting the beer and shopping with mom till my legs couldn't take another step.

Montana isn't my "old" home, it is home. These memories, these people, these places are home. So until I see you again, I carry you in my heart.

Much Love,
Rachel

Making Connections

I have flown enough to know the dynamics of uncomfortably sitting centimeters away from another person, if you are lucky enough to get the window or aisle seat otherwise you are sandwiched. Your options; engage in conversation with this stranger or plug in the tunes, fall asleep or pretend you can't hear or speak English. I tend for the latter. Give me my tunes, my beats, and my zzz's. But today was different, I engaged and from it came stories and laughter and a connection with another human being. We laughed until the other snorted, we shared experiences and knowledge and trivial things, there was empathy and encouragement and praise and education. There was a sense of vulnerability in it for me, as I tend to keep people at a safe distance, especially strangers. Today was good though, it was growth. It was me being socially assertive (in part due to lack of sleep.) It was revealed to me a sense of insecurity I have in myself as the gentleman pointed out I covered my face in my hands or shirt every time I laughed and smiled. He pointed it out with a gentle concern.

I'm appreciative of this time.

On another note!! I'm in the snowy 406!!! And its about 45 to 50 degrees colder here than it is in Alaska. And here I was thinking it was "spring break" well played Montana, well played.

So freaking excited to see and hang out with my friends and family!!!!

Much Love!
Rach

See You All Soon!!!

The Time I Escaped Death

STORY TIME!!!!

So Becky (my coworker and friend) and I decide to go to Anchorage on Saturday. We gassed up my jeep, got coffee and we were off! Jammin' out to Boyce Avenue and anyone else we demanded to rock our ear drums along the way. Being me, and having the parents I do - I of course do a road conditions check and it looked good, with the chance of running into some snowy roads along the way. Well, there was no heads up of the snowplows on the road kicking up thick clouds that seemed impassable, I questioned if it was safe and worth the slower speeds to continue on - but thank goodness after a ways of torturous slow speeds, the plows pulled off and we were back on track. Speaking of tracks - Becky had this FANTASTIC idea (hint the sarcasm - and foreshadowing)to climb rocks on the ocean side of the highway. I pulled over when advised and we hopped out of the car, waiting patiently to cross the highway over the guardrail (I stopped here - following my gut feeling that it wasn't a great idea) down the snow covered rock trench over the railroad and ascending a icy rock formation. I took pictures from my safe distance. Anyways, 10 seconds after Becky had crossed back over the tracks this train came whizzing by! all the while I'm shouting for Becky to pick up the pace, she's laughing and fixing her hair - but then she looks up and realizes her near death encounter and gasps! My response, "YOU ALMOST GOT CREAMED BY A TRAIN AND I, I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE POOPED THEN PUKED."

So we cross back over the highway and I smiled to myself praising me for listening to my own intuition and my Jiminy Cricket. We made it to Anchorage and it seemed as though every intersection was a near collision - I HATE the city and traffic and driving. And why are streets 5 lane 1 way. Traffic flows just as well going both directions in single or double lanes people!! We hit up each and every stop we wanted to and then it was time to go home. BUT oh snap! it's snowing, kinda hard. LAME. Good thing it was ingrained in my brain to drive as the conditioned allowed for and for what I felt safe. Thanks Dad! For those of you who have never driven from Anchorage to Soldotna, there is only 1 turn. That's it. Other than that it's a straight shot (obviously this includes the natural curves in the roadway) BUT ONE TURN - the intersection is lit with supposedly 3 BIG GREEN SIGNS....that I missed. ALL OF THEM. (They didn't exist that night...I'm convinced.)

So we are driving along and I casually say, "Hmmmm, I didn't see a speed limit but there are a lot of houses, I feel like I should slow down a bit"
Becky, who was texting looks up and starts FREAKING OUT! "why is there a bus stop sign? there is no bus stops on the way to Soldotna"
"But Becky," I say reassuringly, "it's Alaska, there are trees and homes on the road normally anyways, of course there are school bus stops"
"NOT LIKE THIS!!! THIS ISN'T RIGHT!! WE ARE LOST OMG WE ARE LOST WE ARE IN SEWARD." and she keeps going on and on and at first I thought she was playing to my absolute fear of the dark and being lost in the wilderness and the gremlins - I started panicking too both of us just yelling and screaming and then Becky thinks of the genius idea to pull over and flag down the coming car.
I looked at her and said "DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!?!"
She looked back "No, I just want to go home"
I called James, he laughed and got us squared away. despite our detour, we didn't lose much time. :)

the end!
Much Love,
Rach

Deaf Ears?

Has my blog landed upon deaf ears or blinded eyes? Either way - I will write on!

Well January came and went rather quickly, and February seems to be going faster yet!! The snow is mostly ice now as weeks of temperatures in the 40s eclipsed most of these months, however, Jack Frost seems to be putting up a fight as temps have dropped into the negatives this week. This just in, I could totally be a weather/news anchor (If you missed why, please revert back to the beginning of this post) ;P

For those who don't yet know or for those who need the reminder, I will be embarking on a trip to the homelands, to my roots, to my 406!! yes, folks! In 11 sweet sweet days from now I will be on Montana soil. I hope to find time to visit with you all, but more than likely, with spring break in the mix - that just isn't going to happen and for that, there is Alaska Airlines!! (hint hint, wink wink)

I'm learning my limits at work - actually, it's more like I am learning my frustration tolerance, and for some things, it's really quite short. I was reminded that I can't reason with a 5 year old and that how I talk to them and treat them largely helps them form their view of the world. Do you highlight the things the kids in your life are doing by lifting them up in praise and encouragement or are you spending the majority of the time focused on correcting the wrong and negative things (don't get me wrong here, I do believe in there being a place and time for disciple and consequences.) There is a model schools are taking on here called PBIS which stands for Positive Behavioral Interventions and Supports for the foundation of disciplinary action. It focuses on specific expectations and what we want youth to do and rewarding them for the desired behavior, through verbal affirmation, a fuzzy little pom pom, a high five, etc. It's rather cool, as it crosses all environments in detail broken into 3 simple key words: Safe, Responsible and Respectful. Each student knows how to behave accordingly in the classroom, the hallway, the lunch room, the bus, the lobby to meet the domains of being safe, being responsible and being respectful.

I encourage you all to look at your relationships, with friends, family, coworkers - are you praising them, stirring each other up to keep on keepin' on? It's easy to point out the errors, the hardships, the complaints, the negatives, but that's where we get stuck, isn't it? digging deeper into bitterness, complacency and disgust with ourselves and each other, our jobs, the weather, traffic, gov't, healthcare, rights. Step out. Lift your head to see the beauty around us, the little things like a child's laugh, the beauty of grey hair (I'm serious - this world says that aging is a horrible thing - but I find beauty in it.) Go on a search for the gold at the end of the rainbow, dance in the rain, stand in the silence of a snow shower. Walk down town watching the fast pace life in the traffic and the slow meanderings of those on a stroll. Curl up on the couch with your soul mate and work on a crossword problem or sudoku and learn to tap into the life skill of teamwork that seems to be evading all of us.

Much Love,
Rachel